


Listen to the Sound of Us Falling Apart

by Katitty



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Drabble, I suppose, I suppose fluffy angst but also...just angst, M/M, Panic Attacks, just me and my thoughts spilling out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-09
Updated: 2018-11-09
Packaged: 2019-08-21 02:22:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16567772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katitty/pseuds/Katitty
Summary: Alec’s thoughts post s3e10. Just kind of sad. He’s just trying to deal with everything that’s happened in he last 2 months but I guess.





	Listen to the Sound of Us Falling Apart

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Malec Trash Squad](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Malec+Trash+Squad).



> Not beta’d but are we surprised?

If I’d known that breathing would cause such a problem so early on in the morning, I probably would have stopped doing it a very long time ago.    
  
I think, perhaps, my life was spiralling out of control and Jace’s life being a constant mess wasn’t really helping because god damn it I’d killed Jocelyn, lied to Magnus, tarnished the Lightwood name by looking in the general direction of a male Downworlder, failed to protect Izzy and Jace and Max and Clary and Simon and the fucking universe from even the littlest of things in the span of 2 months and now Magnus had no magic and I could really FEEL the parabatai bond again and all the guilt that came with it.    
  
Like sure, you shoved an arrow through my heart, but could you spare me the mind numbing pain of inconsolable regret that you’re unconsciously pulsing through my veins asif I don’t have enough of that myself?   
  
Anyways, the point is, 3am had become the hour in which my lungs would stop working and the only thing that would help them restart was the sound of the fucking Institute freezer buzzing too loudly against my bathroom wall and I couldn’t exactly figure out how to make it stop.    
  
Routine was...well it was routine for me. Yeah, that’s...I think that’s what I mean. It’s routine for me to have a routine, so don’t be surprised that ever since I could actually stand up straight with my heart screaming at me to sit my dumb ass back down, I was shuffling my way into my shower and pulling my knees up against my chest while I tried to inhale even one lungful of air. It’s just the way my brain works. I do it once, I do it twice and by the time I go for three my brain has already hot wired itself to never stop doing this one thing ever. Until the end of time.    
  
You either ball up and listen to the freezer vibrate or you die of suffocation. And really, as a shadowhunter, you’ve got to choose your battles.    
  
Now, Magnus was in the middle of a mental breakdown and Izzy was still  going through withdrawals while Jace was dealing with Clary’s death and that it somehow involved the vampire so...that’s where we were in terms of stability. And I was still staying at the Institute, forbidding Magnus to leave my bed during the nights because what was I going to do if a demon got into his apartment and my heart was still recovering from the, you know, demon icor laced arrowhead that was shoved into my heart? Tell it to sit and listen to the freezer? No. We were safer in my room. He could spend as many hours during the day in the loft as he’d please, but I wasn’t going to play fair during the nights. Not until I knew I could protect him.    
  
So I’d push out my bottom lip and I’d wince at even the smallest of jostles and I’d really just let him know that me leaving the Institute was just death waiting to happen and him leaving me at the Institute was just me being sad waiting to happen and I know he’s weak for me.    
  
So he’d sigh a little and smile that cute little half up half twisted I-can’t-say-no-to-you smirk and he’d lead me back to my room and he’d tuck me in and kiss my forehead and then lay down beside me so gently and he wouldn’t hold me. Just play with my fingers until he fell asleep and then I’d fall asleep listening to him breathe and then it’d be 3am and I’d be crawling across the fucking bathroom floor just waiting for that buzz to fuzz up my thoughts and vibrate through my sore and bruised body.    
  
And then, after I’d finally crawl back into bed with Magnus sleeping like the dead beside me, I’d curse Lorenzo and his ban against helping Shadowhunters without some stupid waiting list bullshit that he’d set up to help protect his people or whatever because honestly, I wouldn’t have a slightly infected hole in my chest if he’d just let a warlock pull the icor out of my heart but I mean, here we are. Everyone’s a fucking mess. Welcome to reality.    
  
Jace would stare at me over breakfast and the subordinates would stare at Magnus and Simon and Izzy would stare at her plate and I could see her contemplating something and after everything she’d been through, I’d always get the passing thought that maybe I should keep her as far away from Simon as possible but hey. He was staying in Clary’s old room for the next few days while the Clave tried to figure out if he was a threat or not and I’d already told him that if he needed to run at any point I’d let him know and honestly? If Izzy wanted to go with him, I’d let her.    
  
Fuck this life.    
  
Run away! Make little Daylighter babies and come back to infiltrate the Clave! Take us all down from the inside, little sister, just don’t leave Magnus in the rubble.    
  
But she wouldn’t really look at Simon. Her hands would shake, though, the way they did when she was first recovering from the Yin Fen and sometimes I wonder, when she’s scared or unfocused or whatever it is she’s been these last few days, if her hands will always shudder like that now. If that’s an everlasting side effect or if maybe she’s just as broken as I am. Maybe I’ll never know.    
  
But there I was, arms around my legs, head between my knees, huddled up in the corner of my shower listening to the big freezer whirring and willing my lungs to bring in just enough air for me to take over again, just enough to make it easier to do it alone. Praying to the angels that I’d survive the next hiccup just long enough to make sure Magnus was okay, when there was a hand on my shoulder and fingers in my hair and then there was nothing but I could see his feet move around as he sat down across from me in the too small stall and I knew he was staring at me.    
  
He didn’t say anything, but a few minutes later his hands were back in my hair and his feet slid forward so they were resting against mine and I didn’t even realise I was breathing until he wasn’t.    
  
He gasped a little and then he moved again, rising to his knees and pulling at my head and my arms until he could crawl into my personal space and huff against my collarbone with silent, body wracking sobs. And, in the moment before I thought that maybe I should comfort him, I remembered that he hadn’t been that rough with me in days and I really missed how fragile he never thought I was. I missed his strong hands and his firm grips. I missed holding him together and I missed him holding me tighter.    
  
“Do you hear the buzz?” I murmured.    
  
His sobs didn’t subside and his body kept shaking but after a minute his breathing evened out and he nodded against my neck, so I tilted my head back and focused on the noise and then, when he finally stopped sobbing I asked “can I cry too?” And then he cried harder.    
  


**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so maybe I’m slipping down and down and down into this spiraling out of depression. And maybe that’s showing through in my writing but listen, if I don’t write about Alec having panic attacks while listening to yo freezer buzzing, who will? Exactly. 
> 
> Also I pulled that Lorenzo waiting list out of my ass but tell me he wouldn’t pull something like that?


End file.
